In Ethan Hightower's "Spanish Moss," the narrator is a young man about to enter high school, dealing with the pressures of growing up. He and his friends, Blake and Tommy, are in a rush to prove themselves "experienced," grown up and mature, before they are freshmen, though none of them are entirely comfortable with the way they decide to suddenly grow up. The three have a lot of internal conflicts, and then are confronted by an external conflict that forces them to understand that their desire to grow up doesn't matter very much in the grand scheme of things. (What are words?)
The title ties in well to the story. The piece opens with Spanish moss and closes the same way, and it adds a sense of finality to the story, so the reader feels no ambiguity to if the story is finished or not. The way that Hightower conveyed the emotions of all three characters, though the piece was in first person, was very strong. As a reader, it was easy for me to tell that Blake was nervous about everything and Tommy wanted to put up a facade of cool. None of them were comfortable, and it showed. The imagery in the piece was also wonderful - I could see the forest, the creek, and the Spanish moss. I could tell that the body in the bag was a small child's without having it explained in detail. Very well done.
It's obvious that the three characters are at least upper middle class, but I wanted to see more detail of that. Trig's parents were doctors, and Blake's father was a lawyer, but how did that translate into their lives as far as material value? Tommy's allowance goes to one joint, but how much is that? I got the idea that these boys were sheltered and soft, but I wanted to see more.
Showing posts with label Student Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Student Work. Show all posts
12 April 2012
10 April 2012
"A Dream" by J.J. Nelson
J.J. Nelson's "A Dream" is about a man struggling to find meaning in his life. He dreams of his life before some undisclosed event, and also dreams of drowning. His life, he finds, is going no where and that dissatisfies him. The conflict in Gabriel's life is internal; he doesn't know how to interact with the people he is surrounded by or express himself. He doesn't relate to the younger college generation.
I thought the imagery was done very well. In the opening dream, it was easy to see the scenes play out over the dark water, and it was easy to tell these were visions and not entirely separated from the situation. The description of the gravity bong was also very good -- I could see what was happening and what it looked like though I have no experience with it. I thought that keeping the characters of Win and Tori as flat as they were was also a strong point in the story. It helped establish a "Me v. Them" theme for the reader and also was a good illustration of how the narrator did not relate to either of them on any level but the physical high.
Reading this, I wanted to know what had happened two years before that had such a profound effect on Gabriel. There's so much build up on it, but we never get to see what it is, and it leaves the reader unsatisfied. I thought, with the flashback at the end, that you would expand on what was so awful that Gabriel was still affected by it, but the big reveal never came. The reveal would also, I believe, benefit from the reader understanding more about the mysterious girl that Gabriel thinks about enough to motivate him to write again, after being in a creative slump. Who was she in relation to him? How did he lose her? These questions were posed in my head, but I never received an explanation.
I thought the imagery was done very well. In the opening dream, it was easy to see the scenes play out over the dark water, and it was easy to tell these were visions and not entirely separated from the situation. The description of the gravity bong was also very good -- I could see what was happening and what it looked like though I have no experience with it. I thought that keeping the characters of Win and Tori as flat as they were was also a strong point in the story. It helped establish a "Me v. Them" theme for the reader and also was a good illustration of how the narrator did not relate to either of them on any level but the physical high.
Reading this, I wanted to know what had happened two years before that had such a profound effect on Gabriel. There's so much build up on it, but we never get to see what it is, and it leaves the reader unsatisfied. I thought, with the flashback at the end, that you would expand on what was so awful that Gabriel was still affected by it, but the big reveal never came. The reveal would also, I believe, benefit from the reader understanding more about the mysterious girl that Gabriel thinks about enough to motivate him to write again, after being in a creative slump. Who was she in relation to him? How did he lose her? These questions were posed in my head, but I never received an explanation.
"As Big as Light" by Robert Mort
The piece "As Big as Light" by Robert Mort seems to be about Adrian Huxley, a young man trying to follow his heart while his mother was suffering from a terminal illness. The story is told from the view of Dean Overstreet, caretaker of the Huxley's estate, and centers around a conversation Dean and Adrian have after the young man has had a fight with his alcoholic father. The conflict is that when Adrian calls out to Dean, looking for comfort, he also refuses to accept it - Dean's well intended words are met with a wall. But Dean refuses to be disregarded in that way, and Adrian is forced to face and speak about his own feelings. The two of them find comfort in a memory Adrian has of a time when he was young and his mother was well and reassured him.
The emotion in this piece was very well done, and not too heavy handed. The reader was able to access both Dean and Adrian on an emotional level through their actions, expressions, and words. The opening was also very well done, in my opinion; the opening before the actual story only took about a page an a half and didn't detract from the story. Instead, the reader was made to care about the narrator and drawn into the story. Likewise, details about the fight Adrian had with his father, without seeing the fight directly, was a great way of summary and didn't draw out the scene too long.
As a reader, I would have liked to know more about Adrian's mother. We see that she had a close relationship with her son when she was well, but what does Dean think of her? We get a sense that Dean wasn't particularly approving of Mr. Huxley's treatment of his son, but there's so little emotion in this memory that we get to see. Occasionally, he breaks in with narration to remind the reader that the scene happened a long time ago, but everything he tells us is matter-of-fact. Why is Dean Overstreet so detached from one of the few clear memories he has?
The emotion in this piece was very well done, and not too heavy handed. The reader was able to access both Dean and Adrian on an emotional level through their actions, expressions, and words. The opening was also very well done, in my opinion; the opening before the actual story only took about a page an a half and didn't detract from the story. Instead, the reader was made to care about the narrator and drawn into the story. Likewise, details about the fight Adrian had with his father, without seeing the fight directly, was a great way of summary and didn't draw out the scene too long.
As a reader, I would have liked to know more about Adrian's mother. We see that she had a close relationship with her son when she was well, but what does Dean think of her? We get a sense that Dean wasn't particularly approving of Mr. Huxley's treatment of his son, but there's so little emotion in this memory that we get to see. Occasionally, he breaks in with narration to remind the reader that the scene happened a long time ago, but everything he tells us is matter-of-fact. Why is Dean Overstreet so detached from one of the few clear memories he has?
05 April 2012
"Dreams and Reality" by Lauren Barkley
The piece "Dreams and Reality," by Lauren Barkley, is about a young man named Luke with Big Dreams. He looks to live out the Rags to Riches American Story, rising from what he considers to be a nothing family of dairy farmers to a college baseball player to a lawyer, leaving behind his family's business and cows forever. The conflict comes, however, when his father wants him to stay and take over the relatively successful farm and have a stable livelihood. Tension rises between the two, until Luke leaves without telling his parents to tryout for the University of Mississippi baseball team. Luke is forced to realize, however, that dreams don't come true just because you want them.
The subject matter of this piece was strong and interesting. The American Dream is something that is accessible to many readers on an emotional level and is, therefore, something that can hold the readers' attention. The point of view is also strong, I think. Third person limited works well to establish Luke as a character that could really be anyone - this is a shared dream by many. The dialogue and emotions that are conveyed between Luke and his father are also well done. There is tension in the beginning, at the top of the second page as Luke tells his father that he doesn't want to be "in the middle of nowhere being a nobody," without having to take pages to establish that relationship. And at the end, when his father hugs him, the emotion is strong again.
I believe adding to the story would make it stronger. Though the reader gets a sense of the tension between Luke and his dad, I think playing up the fights caused by Luke's desire to leave, as well as a look at their relationship from before this burning ambition rose, would make the emotional stakes higher. Also, I think that emphasizing that he is a somebody in his little town would add another dimension to the story by bringing to focus the difference between the small town popularity Luke has and the "big city" dreams that he has.
The subject matter of this piece was strong and interesting. The American Dream is something that is accessible to many readers on an emotional level and is, therefore, something that can hold the readers' attention. The point of view is also strong, I think. Third person limited works well to establish Luke as a character that could really be anyone - this is a shared dream by many. The dialogue and emotions that are conveyed between Luke and his father are also well done. There is tension in the beginning, at the top of the second page as Luke tells his father that he doesn't want to be "in the middle of nowhere being a nobody," without having to take pages to establish that relationship. And at the end, when his father hugs him, the emotion is strong again.
I believe adding to the story would make it stronger. Though the reader gets a sense of the tension between Luke and his dad, I think playing up the fights caused by Luke's desire to leave, as well as a look at their relationship from before this burning ambition rose, would make the emotional stakes higher. Also, I think that emphasizing that he is a somebody in his little town would add another dimension to the story by bringing to focus the difference between the small town popularity Luke has and the "big city" dreams that he has.
"Aveux" by Taylor Hardy
Taylor Hardy's piece, "Aveux," is about a man who has lost his wife and is struggling to remain strong, emotionally, for his daughter, Amelia. After Becca's suicide, he has been a wreck, but he tries to cope - albeit in ways that are not healthy for him or those around him. When the woman he is having an affair with commits suicide with his gun, the conflict of truly dealing with his emotional issues comes to the fore front of his life. In the end, he finally finds some sort of faith in God, which he had lost following his wife's suicide, through the strength of his daughter as they leave their old life to start anew.
The story's point of view works well for the subject matter. First person perspectives like this one make it easy relate to the character and get in the narrator's head. For this type of subject matter, especially (suppression of emotion and using logic to counter "weakness") I think the choice to tell the story with this point of view was a sound one. The pace of this piece was also not too slow. The story begins by pulling the reader in, and then everything flows. When the narrator is arrested, the pace quickens and, likewise, when the trial is over, the pace slows again.
I thought the dialogue between Erica and the narrator was a little stilted. Both are, I assume, at least upper middle class, and, as lawyers, they are sure to have extensive vocabularies; however, I felt the words didn't flow properly for the subject matter. As a reader, I felt that the tone - at least on her part - was supposed to be raw and passionate but I kept being distracted by phrases like "I refuse to leave you in your time of need" and "...will not let themselves attain..." I think bringing the language down, just a bit, would do wonders to heighten the emotional stakes of this conversation.
The story's point of view works well for the subject matter. First person perspectives like this one make it easy relate to the character and get in the narrator's head. For this type of subject matter, especially (suppression of emotion and using logic to counter "weakness") I think the choice to tell the story with this point of view was a sound one. The pace of this piece was also not too slow. The story begins by pulling the reader in, and then everything flows. When the narrator is arrested, the pace quickens and, likewise, when the trial is over, the pace slows again.
I thought the dialogue between Erica and the narrator was a little stilted. Both are, I assume, at least upper middle class, and, as lawyers, they are sure to have extensive vocabularies; however, I felt the words didn't flow properly for the subject matter. As a reader, I felt that the tone - at least on her part - was supposed to be raw and passionate but I kept being distracted by phrases like "I refuse to leave you in your time of need" and "...will not let themselves attain..." I think bringing the language down, just a bit, would do wonders to heighten the emotional stakes of this conversation.
03 April 2012
"Casting Shadows" by Jeremy Hare
Jeremy Hare's piece, "Casting Shadows," is about a girl who has died and struggles with her lack of choices even after death. Living, she was a very passive individual, and dead, very little has changed. The conflict arises when she realizes just how much her free will has been violated - she was killed and forced to become a "death god" against her own wishes - and she must fight to make her own decision. In the end, she wanted a normal life, but, failing to regain this, she chooses instead a "normal" death.
The subject matter was interesting and the imagery (especially as it pertained to setting) was strong in this piece. It was easy to see where everything was taking place. The eerie whiteness of everything in "Sanctuary" was conveyed to the reader well. The reader could also be drawn into the story easily due to the unique subject matter. Though death stories are not too uncommon, this particular story is unique to our class, and, therefore, Hare's Audience.
To make the piece stronger, I would advise Hare to move the fire scene in the early part of the story to the very beginning - it would draw the reader in much more than "the girl woke up in the hospital." As a reader, it took me a long time to feel engaged in the story, as well as form a connection to the narrator. Another way to make the story stronger, in my opinion, would be to focus more on the barely mentioned characters (the person Kain was talking to when the narrator found out she was killed, and the girl with cat ears in the living world, for instance) instead of leaving them to the wayside. They needed to interact with the narrator in some way. Otherwise, why mention them?
The subject matter was interesting and the imagery (especially as it pertained to setting) was strong in this piece. It was easy to see where everything was taking place. The eerie whiteness of everything in "Sanctuary" was conveyed to the reader well. The reader could also be drawn into the story easily due to the unique subject matter. Though death stories are not too uncommon, this particular story is unique to our class, and, therefore, Hare's Audience.
To make the piece stronger, I would advise Hare to move the fire scene in the early part of the story to the very beginning - it would draw the reader in much more than "the girl woke up in the hospital." As a reader, it took me a long time to feel engaged in the story, as well as form a connection to the narrator. Another way to make the story stronger, in my opinion, would be to focus more on the barely mentioned characters (the person Kain was talking to when the narrator found out she was killed, and the girl with cat ears in the living world, for instance) instead of leaving them to the wayside. They needed to interact with the narrator in some way. Otherwise, why mention them?
"Whatever Gods May Be" by Kody Blackwell
Kody Blackwell's "Whatever Gods May Be" is the story of a man, Thomas Abrams, appointed to lead a congregation after the previous pastor steps down. The conflict arises as he studies the Bible more and begins to lose his faith following his wife's announcement that they are expecting a baby. Though Abrams chose to take the job as pastor, by the end of the piece, he cannot deal with preaching something he does not truly believe in and leaves the church.
The plot of this piece is very interesting, as well as the setting. We haven't seen a piece yet that deals with the faith of a church leader, and I think that setting the story in a non-urban area emphasized the importance of the church in the lives of those in the congregation. The character of Thomas Abrams was also very strong - he had a past, and was a character I found easy to connect to. His struggle with is faith had a discernible cause and steady progression. I also found the tactful use of imagery when the Abrams were "having relations" to result in the pregnancy to be very good - it's very easy to be cliched or tactless when writing something inexplicit.
The story seemed to rely heavily on Abrams' study of the Bible, and I think that placing more of an emphasis on the things he studies as well as his reactions to them would make the piece stronger. I would also advise showing more of Bethany's pregnancy - his concerns as a father-to-be are what start him questioning his faith and the stories in the Bible, so it would make sense that her pregnancy could be used to mark time or remind the reader of how everything began. I would also like to know more about Mrs. Johnson, the grandmother in the nursing home. Abrams goes to her for advice about being a new father, but we never find out why. Is it just because she's old and has raised her own children? Even if so, I'd like to know.
The plot of this piece is very interesting, as well as the setting. We haven't seen a piece yet that deals with the faith of a church leader, and I think that setting the story in a non-urban area emphasized the importance of the church in the lives of those in the congregation. The character of Thomas Abrams was also very strong - he had a past, and was a character I found easy to connect to. His struggle with is faith had a discernible cause and steady progression. I also found the tactful use of imagery when the Abrams were "having relations" to result in the pregnancy to be very good - it's very easy to be cliched or tactless when writing something inexplicit.
The story seemed to rely heavily on Abrams' study of the Bible, and I think that placing more of an emphasis on the things he studies as well as his reactions to them would make the piece stronger. I would also advise showing more of Bethany's pregnancy - his concerns as a father-to-be are what start him questioning his faith and the stories in the Bible, so it would make sense that her pregnancy could be used to mark time or remind the reader of how everything began. I would also like to know more about Mrs. Johnson, the grandmother in the nursing home. Abrams goes to her for advice about being a new father, but we never find out why. Is it just because she's old and has raised her own children? Even if so, I'd like to know.
29 March 2012
"Untitled" by Jessica Mullino
Jessica Mullino's story, "Untitled," is about a young woman, Andy, who needs to write a story with a fast-approaching deadline. She is aware that she needs to finish her story for class at noon, but she feels uninspired and unable to write. Her conflict is that she finds other things to occupy her time and attention instead of her assignment, from idle thoughts to groceries to television. Though she stays up all night to finish, she writes the story in the last sixty minutes she has.
The description of the procrastination-to-panic mood that plagues students everywhere was very well done. Andy's struggle and means of putting off her work are things that are easy for a reader to relate to. Particular to readers who are also writers, the details of trying to create a story and characters on the spot are particularly easy to relate to. The use of time stamps, such as "11:23 PM" to separate different sections from one another was also a great way of conveying a sense of time without drawing out the story with meaningless details and clutter.
This story was a good comedy piece, to me, but there didn't seem to be a climax. The tension rose a little bit as the piece moved on, but I didn't feel there was any point of the story where the tension broke into something really important. Instead, we seemed to skip over the climax and right into the end of the story (there's also no time stamp here, which confused me as a reader and jostled me from the story). Another thing that might make this story stronger would be to switch the point of view to first person. Though third person limited can be a good medium and works fine, I think that, for conveying a feeling of panic and distress as well as the calm "I have plenty of time" mood of procrastination, first person in Andy's point of view would be stronger. I think that fleshing out characters mentioned, such as Andy's visiting friend and "high maintenance" room mate would add dimension to the piece. As a reader, I want to know why the friend is visiting and what makes the room mate so high maintenance and not just whiny.
The description of the procrastination-to-panic mood that plagues students everywhere was very well done. Andy's struggle and means of putting off her work are things that are easy for a reader to relate to. Particular to readers who are also writers, the details of trying to create a story and characters on the spot are particularly easy to relate to. The use of time stamps, such as "11:23 PM" to separate different sections from one another was also a great way of conveying a sense of time without drawing out the story with meaningless details and clutter.
This story was a good comedy piece, to me, but there didn't seem to be a climax. The tension rose a little bit as the piece moved on, but I didn't feel there was any point of the story where the tension broke into something really important. Instead, we seemed to skip over the climax and right into the end of the story (there's also no time stamp here, which confused me as a reader and jostled me from the story). Another thing that might make this story stronger would be to switch the point of view to first person. Though third person limited can be a good medium and works fine, I think that, for conveying a feeling of panic and distress as well as the calm "I have plenty of time" mood of procrastination, first person in Andy's point of view would be stronger. I think that fleshing out characters mentioned, such as Andy's visiting friend and "high maintenance" room mate would add dimension to the piece. As a reader, I want to know why the friend is visiting and what makes the room mate so high maintenance and not just whiny.
"Secret Park" by Cole Eady
Cole Eady's "Secret Park" is about a man looking to get his body to a more fit state. His two friends from high school have kept themselves healthy and fit, and are willing to help him, but the narrator feels inadequate in comparison to them. The apparent conflict is, therefore, the narrator's struggle with exercises he thinks are simple and the eyes of the people around him watching him fail. The real conflict, however, is something that the narrator isn't even aware of and creates an interesting story arc.
The attention to detail in this piece is very good. I, as a reader, was able to understand the narrator's distress while comparing his life to those of his old high school friends - body and lifestyle wise. Particular details, such as the fact that James arrives in a Mercedes Benz and is a doctor, show that the narrator associates having a fit, well muscled, and ideal body with being successful in a monetary sense. It's also easy to see that the narrator considers Sean and James to be living seemingly perfect lives - it never occurs to him that something like an allergic reaction can take down a man like James, who seems to have everything. Other details, such as those describing the setting of the Secret Park, make the story very strong. It's easy to see exactly where the story is taking place, but Cole used minimal exposition. We catch glimpses of the lives surrounding the main story, preventing the piece from feeling isolated from the world.
One thing that would make the story stronger, I think, would be to have more detail about Sean. James has a nice car and a job as a doctor, but the reader never finds out about Sean's "perfect life." The set up of these two strong, healthy men is a large part of the story, so setting up Sean as a strong character is important. As a reader, I also would like to know about what happened after James went into anaphylactic shock. Did the narrator go to see him in the hospital? Did James live? What is he allergic to? The climax of the story seems to be when James has his episode, and I'd like to see this climax reach a resolution.
The attention to detail in this piece is very good. I, as a reader, was able to understand the narrator's distress while comparing his life to those of his old high school friends - body and lifestyle wise. Particular details, such as the fact that James arrives in a Mercedes Benz and is a doctor, show that the narrator associates having a fit, well muscled, and ideal body with being successful in a monetary sense. It's also easy to see that the narrator considers Sean and James to be living seemingly perfect lives - it never occurs to him that something like an allergic reaction can take down a man like James, who seems to have everything. Other details, such as those describing the setting of the Secret Park, make the story very strong. It's easy to see exactly where the story is taking place, but Cole used minimal exposition. We catch glimpses of the lives surrounding the main story, preventing the piece from feeling isolated from the world.
One thing that would make the story stronger, I think, would be to have more detail about Sean. James has a nice car and a job as a doctor, but the reader never finds out about Sean's "perfect life." The set up of these two strong, healthy men is a large part of the story, so setting up Sean as a strong character is important. As a reader, I also would like to know about what happened after James went into anaphylactic shock. Did the narrator go to see him in the hospital? Did James live? What is he allergic to? The climax of the story seems to be when James has his episode, and I'd like to see this climax reach a resolution.
22 March 2012
"Meow" by Cary Bayless
In Cary Bayless' "Meow," the narrator, Cyril, is a mentally challenged young man looking for connection. He has three friends - Earl, the owner of the Captain D's down the road, Cyril's father, and Jimmy-Cat, a stray living behind the Captain D's. The overarching conflict is Cyril's lack of understanding about social interactions and the world and manifests itself in two separate instances. The first is when Cyril breaks into Kelly's room and reads her diary - we hear Annie, another girl, talking about how she and Kelly are getting the locks changed and she shouts at him that he can't keep breaking in, implying that Cyril has broken in many times before. Later, Cyril panics when he sees Jimmy-Cat and her new litter of kittens - the blood and smell scares him enough that, without prompting, he cannot understand what he is seeing. But understanding comes when Earl gently shows him what he didn't see before.
The voice of the narrator was well written. It was easy as a reader to understand Cyril's character and sympathize with him. The detail, as well as syntax, made the mood of the narrator easy to identify without coming right out and naming the emotion. In the last conflict, when Cyril finds Jimmy-Cat, I was very impressed with the way the kittens were first described. I'm not sure that Bayless meant to do this, but when Cyril described the scene with so little detail about the "white things" that were "eating [Jimmy-Cat's] stomach," I, as a reader, was confused and disgusted as well. My first thought was that the cat had died and was covered in maggots - something I can understand; Cyril has no idea what he is seeing, making it just as upsetting.
I think that the story could be enhanced if Cyril's father made an appearance. The reader hears through the characters that the man is important, but he never shows up at any point. Kelly never appears either. Another part of the story that seemed a bit off to me was the two very separate conflicts. The conflict with Annie and the diary does not tie in with the rest of the story, or the title, yet it opens the story and takes up half of the text. I think that incident can be cut down and the scene with Jimmy-Cat can be extended.
The voice of the narrator was well written. It was easy as a reader to understand Cyril's character and sympathize with him. The detail, as well as syntax, made the mood of the narrator easy to identify without coming right out and naming the emotion. In the last conflict, when Cyril finds Jimmy-Cat, I was very impressed with the way the kittens were first described. I'm not sure that Bayless meant to do this, but when Cyril described the scene with so little detail about the "white things" that were "eating [Jimmy-Cat's] stomach," I, as a reader, was confused and disgusted as well. My first thought was that the cat had died and was covered in maggots - something I can understand; Cyril has no idea what he is seeing, making it just as upsetting.
I think that the story could be enhanced if Cyril's father made an appearance. The reader hears through the characters that the man is important, but he never shows up at any point. Kelly never appears either. Another part of the story that seemed a bit off to me was the two very separate conflicts. The conflict with Annie and the diary does not tie in with the rest of the story, or the title, yet it opens the story and takes up half of the text. I think that incident can be cut down and the scene with Jimmy-Cat can be extended.
20 March 2012
"Perfect" by Laurel Kostakis
Laurel Kostakis' "Perfect" is the story of a young woman who changed herself upon entering college, and not for the better as she would assume. Her personality in high school, the reader is led to believe, was meek, school focused, practical, and friendly; she changes herself to be what she believes is beautiful and enticing. The overarching conflict of the story is that she cannot make connections with anyone anymore. Carly, her "best friend," wants nothing to do with her, and neither do any of the boys she flirts with.
The third person limited perspective of this piece works well. I'd say that it was better than using third person omniscient or even first person. The details the readers are privy to with this point of view keep the story going around this character who is so essentially unlikable. The unnamed narrator's character - shallow, oblivious, and all together unpleasant - also gives the story an interesting dimension. It's easy to write a main character that the reader can relate to and like, but a more interesting perspective to see the reactions of those likable characters to a less personable character from the outside.
I think a good enhancement to the story would be to give us more background on the narrator's past - her mother and sister, her relationship with them and her father, for example. I would also like to know more about Darcy and how the two of them became friends. Another thing I would like to see explained/reworked is the narrator's lack of emotional depth. She hasn't always been shallow and vapid, so how can she just disregard her family and old friends without feeling any kind of remorse? Her character is too one dimensional to hold the reader's attention. To counter this without changing the narrator, I think more detail could go into the interactions between the narrator and those surrounding her, especially focusing on the reactions of the other characters to her.
With the formatting, I don't really know how I feel about the italics. In many instances where they were used, I was pulled out of the story. Italics are usually (in my experience) used in a first person thought bubble, and having them be third person like the rest of the story made me regard the story as a text instead of a story in and of itself.
The third person limited perspective of this piece works well. I'd say that it was better than using third person omniscient or even first person. The details the readers are privy to with this point of view keep the story going around this character who is so essentially unlikable. The unnamed narrator's character - shallow, oblivious, and all together unpleasant - also gives the story an interesting dimension. It's easy to write a main character that the reader can relate to and like, but a more interesting perspective to see the reactions of those likable characters to a less personable character from the outside.
I think a good enhancement to the story would be to give us more background on the narrator's past - her mother and sister, her relationship with them and her father, for example. I would also like to know more about Darcy and how the two of them became friends. Another thing I would like to see explained/reworked is the narrator's lack of emotional depth. She hasn't always been shallow and vapid, so how can she just disregard her family and old friends without feeling any kind of remorse? Her character is too one dimensional to hold the reader's attention. To counter this without changing the narrator, I think more detail could go into the interactions between the narrator and those surrounding her, especially focusing on the reactions of the other characters to her.
With the formatting, I don't really know how I feel about the italics. In many instances where they were used, I was pulled out of the story. Italics are usually (in my experience) used in a first person thought bubble, and having them be third person like the rest of the story made me regard the story as a text instead of a story in and of itself.
01 March 2012
"For the Love of the Game" by Jessica Mullino
Jessica Mullino's "For the Love of the Game" is a story about a young woman who wants to meet the father who was never in her life. The major conflict of the story comes when she attends a baseball game in order to try to meet him, but doesn't see him during the game or after. The conflict is quickly resolved, however, when the narrator finds a note from her father on her car, promising to meet in the near future.
The detail and imagery in this piece was very strong, especially in the opening scene with the baseball game. The level of attention to little pieces of imagery, such as the way the red dirt clung to the umpire's clothes, the hole in Joel Johnson's shoe, and the way the scouts sat behind home plate with their "guns" and their expectations all worked together to set up the scene and mood. There was no need to tell the reader what was going on, because there was enough detail to show what was important instead.
There were a few inconsistencies that I thought could be fixed to make the story stronger. First, how did the narrator's mother get in contact with Johnson to let him know that Lindsey was coming? The note Johnson left his daughter suggest familiarity with Lindsey's mother; sure they had been in a relationship at one point, but that had been sixteen years prior. If she was in contact with him while their daughter was growing up, would he not have come to meet her at some point? He said that he loved her without knowing her, so I feel like he would have at least wanted to see his child at some point during her life. Another thing I thought was inconsistent was the fact that Lindsey didn't know that Johnson's shoulder was bad -- she watches an old tape of her father almost religiously, and plays softball herself. If she was going to make an effort to see him, I feel like Lindsey would have done her research and known her father wasn't playing due to his "situation."
The detail and imagery in this piece was very strong, especially in the opening scene with the baseball game. The level of attention to little pieces of imagery, such as the way the red dirt clung to the umpire's clothes, the hole in Joel Johnson's shoe, and the way the scouts sat behind home plate with their "guns" and their expectations all worked together to set up the scene and mood. There was no need to tell the reader what was going on, because there was enough detail to show what was important instead.
There were a few inconsistencies that I thought could be fixed to make the story stronger. First, how did the narrator's mother get in contact with Johnson to let him know that Lindsey was coming? The note Johnson left his daughter suggest familiarity with Lindsey's mother; sure they had been in a relationship at one point, but that had been sixteen years prior. If she was in contact with him while their daughter was growing up, would he not have come to meet her at some point? He said that he loved her without knowing her, so I feel like he would have at least wanted to see his child at some point during her life. Another thing I thought was inconsistent was the fact that Lindsey didn't know that Johnson's shoulder was bad -- she watches an old tape of her father almost religiously, and plays softball herself. If she was going to make an effort to see him, I feel like Lindsey would have done her research and known her father wasn't playing due to his "situation."
"Losing Sincerity" by Taylor Hardy
Taylor Hardy's piece, "Losing Serenity" is about a young event supervisor who is faced with a nightmare situation of a concert. He wants to make the entire event run smoothly and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. There seem to be two external conflicts: the concert situation turns out to be worse than the narrator, Brad, had anticipated and his new girlfriend and supervisee finds his business manner to be cold and aloof.
I found the subject matter of this piece to be interesting, as well as the combination of external conflict. In real life, conflicts rarely ever turn up in single file. I found the way Hardy made the two conflicts intertwine to give credit to the piece.
I think something that would make the piece stronger would be a bit more attention to syntax. I was very aware that I was reading a story -- sometimes the dialogue seemed stilted because contractions were not utilized. Another thing that would help the story along is more detail. For example, at one point the staff "started to panic." What does that mean? How does the narrator know that they are panicking, and how does he calm them down? The reader is also told that Brad is cold and business like at work before we get any evidence of it. I think that cutting that out and showing the narrator's work personality instead would enhance the conflict between he and Alyson.
Something else that would enhance the story, in my opinion, would be to flesh out the characters that are introduced. Stephen is supposed to be a slacker, but all we as readers see is that he wants to take off early and hates his job. The narrator apparently hates his job, too, and sends everyone home instead of polishing silverware -- does that make him lazy? The reader is also told that Connor is the narrator's best friend at work, but we don't get much in the way of proof besides the little bit of comfort he tries to give Brad after overhearing Alyson commenting on his business manner.
I found the subject matter of this piece to be interesting, as well as the combination of external conflict. In real life, conflicts rarely ever turn up in single file. I found the way Hardy made the two conflicts intertwine to give credit to the piece.
I think something that would make the piece stronger would be a bit more attention to syntax. I was very aware that I was reading a story -- sometimes the dialogue seemed stilted because contractions were not utilized. Another thing that would help the story along is more detail. For example, at one point the staff "started to panic." What does that mean? How does the narrator know that they are panicking, and how does he calm them down? The reader is also told that Brad is cold and business like at work before we get any evidence of it. I think that cutting that out and showing the narrator's work personality instead would enhance the conflict between he and Alyson.
Something else that would enhance the story, in my opinion, would be to flesh out the characters that are introduced. Stephen is supposed to be a slacker, but all we as readers see is that he wants to take off early and hates his job. The narrator apparently hates his job, too, and sends everyone home instead of polishing silverware -- does that make him lazy? The reader is also told that Connor is the narrator's best friend at work, but we don't get much in the way of proof besides the little bit of comfort he tries to give Brad after overhearing Alyson commenting on his business manner.
28 February 2012
"The Grind" by Cole Eady
Cole Eady's "The Grind" is about a young man who tries to find work as a writer. He doesn't really want to be a writer (I'm not entirely sure what he wants, truly), but it's something he finds himself to be good at and is content to find a career in it. The conflict comes when the job he finds completely conflicts with his sense of art and idealism.
Something that worked well, I think, was the detail throughout the piece. I was able to visually follow the narrator through the process of being hired, disgusted, and subsequently quitting. The point of view for this piece was also a good choice - because of the conflict it deals with (internal, idealism versus capitalism) the reader needs to be very intimate with Skipper Fischer, the narrator, in order to understand why he walks out of the writer's room in the end. I also really enjoyed the final line. If it hadn't been there, and everyone had just remained quiet and had maybe felt bad about what they were doing, that would have been too unrealistic for the rest of the piece. The fact that the narrator makes this connection with the people in the room as he quits and leaves, but the connection means nothing to those on the other side, really makes this piece strong.
Something I would work on would be the connection between Skipper and Martin. I understand that the interview process went well, but I don't know why Martin would be so eager to help Skipper and hand him a notepad to save himself. As a reader, I didn't see anything in the interview to warrant that kind of interaction between them.
Something that worked well, I think, was the detail throughout the piece. I was able to visually follow the narrator through the process of being hired, disgusted, and subsequently quitting. The point of view for this piece was also a good choice - because of the conflict it deals with (internal, idealism versus capitalism) the reader needs to be very intimate with Skipper Fischer, the narrator, in order to understand why he walks out of the writer's room in the end. I also really enjoyed the final line. If it hadn't been there, and everyone had just remained quiet and had maybe felt bad about what they were doing, that would have been too unrealistic for the rest of the piece. The fact that the narrator makes this connection with the people in the room as he quits and leaves, but the connection means nothing to those on the other side, really makes this piece strong.
Something I would work on would be the connection between Skipper and Martin. I understand that the interview process went well, but I don't know why Martin would be so eager to help Skipper and hand him a notepad to save himself. As a reader, I didn't see anything in the interview to warrant that kind of interaction between them.
"Over the Counter" by Kody Blackwell
Kody Blackwell's "Over the Counter" is about a man who finds himself in a desperate place - he doesn't have money to keep himself and his three children in their home, and cannot think of a way out. The lack of money, however, is not the main conflict of the story. The conflict comes when a man he knows but wouldn't consider a trustworthy friend presents a possible solution to his conflict: selling prescriptions illegally. This creates a moral and practical dilemma for the narrator because he does not want to break the law and he does not want to risk losing his children. At the same time, however, he knows that this could very well be the only way to make the money he needs within the month. All he really wants to is provide for his family.
The voice in this piece works very well. The narration style is first person and done very well; as a reader, I was drawn in, and I felt like I knew the character and his personality in short order. The details within the piece as well, such as "we jogged, awkward and loud, in loafers and heels" when the family enters the church captures the mood of the piece and gives the reader an interesting mental image. The imagery is also something the reader can relate to without being cliche.
Something that would enhance the story would be to explain what happened to the children's mother. For me, that opened up a lot of questions, like if he didn't have money because his ex wife took half of it. Did she die? Those kinds of questions can be answered rather quickly. Similarly, I'd like to have Tim's character fleshed out a bit more. The narrator doesn't trust him, and as a reader I don't really trust him either (led by the narration) but why? Did he do sketchy things in high school? Yeah, he's suggesting selling drugs, but he says that he doesn't know much about the process. How bad is his character, exactly?
The voice in this piece works very well. The narration style is first person and done very well; as a reader, I was drawn in, and I felt like I knew the character and his personality in short order. The details within the piece as well, such as "we jogged, awkward and loud, in loafers and heels" when the family enters the church captures the mood of the piece and gives the reader an interesting mental image. The imagery is also something the reader can relate to without being cliche.
Something that would enhance the story would be to explain what happened to the children's mother. For me, that opened up a lot of questions, like if he didn't have money because his ex wife took half of it. Did she die? Those kinds of questions can be answered rather quickly. Similarly, I'd like to have Tim's character fleshed out a bit more. The narrator doesn't trust him, and as a reader I don't really trust him either (led by the narration) but why? Did he do sketchy things in high school? Yeah, he's suggesting selling drugs, but he says that he doesn't know much about the process. How bad is his character, exactly?
23 February 2012
"Winter's Chill" by Lauren Barkley
Lauren Barkley's "Winter Chill" is about a man leaving to attend to his job as a funeral home director and the wife he is suddenly made to believe is cheating on him. The conflict is very brief - the text message that drives Mr. Smart to the conclusion of infidelity is only received and read two hours before he leaves to drive in the icy night to retrieve a body. It seems that Mr. Smart only wants to distance himself from the wife he doesn't really understand, and Mrs Smart wants to resolve the issue of her non-explicitly accused infidelity.
I thought the conflict was very interestingly presented. We've read a few stories about cheating husbands or wives, but there was no doubt at all that the party in question was cheating. We as readers were made certain that there is another man/woman. In Barkley's story, the third person limited POV lets us see the struggle in Mr. Smart to come to terms with what this text message might mean - his wife could be telling the truth, but he doubts that. At the same time, the reader also gets to see that Mrs. Smart isn't a terrible, hateful woman. She wants her husband to come back safe, or not go out at all, so that they can discuss and work out their issues.
There are a few times when the dialogue between Mr. and Mrs. Smart doesn't flow as well as it could, so reviewing and rewriting some sections would probably enhance the story. Also, I think expanding on characters with more back story would make them more relatable, believable, and likable. I don't really have a real connection to the characters.
I thought the conflict was very interestingly presented. We've read a few stories about cheating husbands or wives, but there was no doubt at all that the party in question was cheating. We as readers were made certain that there is another man/woman. In Barkley's story, the third person limited POV lets us see the struggle in Mr. Smart to come to terms with what this text message might mean - his wife could be telling the truth, but he doubts that. At the same time, the reader also gets to see that Mrs. Smart isn't a terrible, hateful woman. She wants her husband to come back safe, or not go out at all, so that they can discuss and work out their issues.
There are a few times when the dialogue between Mr. and Mrs. Smart doesn't flow as well as it could, so reviewing and rewriting some sections would probably enhance the story. Also, I think expanding on characters with more back story would make them more relatable, believable, and likable. I don't really have a real connection to the characters.
21 February 2012
"Holes Full of Dirt" by Ethan Hightower
Ethan Hightower's "Holes Full of Dirt" is about a young teen who wants to impress a girl who is not at all interested in him. She's old enough to drive, and he just barely isn't. The year between them (two years for four days between their birthdays, she points out) makes him feel inferior, too young and inexperienced to catch her attention. He sees a chance to impress her when she makes an offhand comment about the holes in the road to his house, and it's just the kind of sudden project-that-will-take-more-effort-than-I-anticipate that I think a fifteen year old would make to impress a girl. Unfortunately for him, the narrator is forced to realize that the undertaking was, essentially, pointless.
The tone of the piece is spot on for a fifteen year old boy as a narrator. The awkward dialogue between the narrator and Ashlyn makes it clear to the reader that he is very much interested in her and she is very much not interested. Sometimes, it can be difficult to make the relationship (or lack of romance) between two characters without using exposition. At the same time, the tone between the narrator and Denver is absolutely frank -- Denver can see right through the narrator, and they both know it, but the narrator will stalwartly deny it because that's the relationship they have.
This needs a whole new paragraph: the depressing realizations on page 6, starting with "I sat in the truck overwhelmed by a sense of failure," captures the uneven way human emotion works perfectly. The sudden change from "I can do this" to "I can't believe I even tried that, what was I thinking?" fits so well into the story that I have to applaud Hightower.
I understand that this is a story about the narrator's love for Ashlyn, but I think the story would be enhanced by more mention of the father earlier in the story. The character's realization of self is very much tied to his father helping him out of his mess, and I think the relationship between them would bring another dimension to the story.
The tone of the piece is spot on for a fifteen year old boy as a narrator. The awkward dialogue between the narrator and Ashlyn makes it clear to the reader that he is very much interested in her and she is very much not interested. Sometimes, it can be difficult to make the relationship (or lack of romance) between two characters without using exposition. At the same time, the tone between the narrator and Denver is absolutely frank -- Denver can see right through the narrator, and they both know it, but the narrator will stalwartly deny it because that's the relationship they have.
This needs a whole new paragraph: the depressing realizations on page 6, starting with "I sat in the truck overwhelmed by a sense of failure," captures the uneven way human emotion works perfectly. The sudden change from "I can do this" to "I can't believe I even tried that, what was I thinking?" fits so well into the story that I have to applaud Hightower.
I understand that this is a story about the narrator's love for Ashlyn, but I think the story would be enhanced by more mention of the father earlier in the story. The character's realization of self is very much tied to his father helping him out of his mess, and I think the relationship between them would bring another dimension to the story.
The Short Story by Adam Smith
This story by Adam Smith is about a young woman named Margaret who wants to get out from under her stifling and worrisome adopted mother. Lucy Delamar -- the mother -- is beyond terrified of the world after both world wars, the shock of being robbed in the middle of the night and finding her husband gone forever. The fear she feels from these events pervades her entire life and affects the way Margaret lives her life. Young and knowing little of life, the now 15 year old girl looks for a way to liven up her life by disobeying her mother and making a friend. Unfortunately for her, she made the exact wrong friend; Marcus never speaks an unkind word to her but shows his true colors to her unknowingly. Margaret is then forced to look at what she believes and admit to her guardian that the world is, indeed, every bit as dangerous as Lucy has always told her.
I enjoyed reading the back story in the beginning of the piece. Smith manages to give plenty of information without making the beginning of the story expository. I felt like I was reading the real plot, and when there was a time skip and the real story started, I wasn't offended or jarred out of the story. The transition worked very well. Another aspect of this particular story that I liked was the time period. It's not far enough in the past that the story becomes genre on principle. It's not set during a major historic event; instead, the story is affected by the wars in a way that makes sense. Lucy's questions about Marcus wearing a radio or looking like a German was wonderful, and I thought it was very interesting that Lucy was so afraid of these far fetched things in every day life -- wolves don't need to be exotic to be dangerous.
Unfortunately, where I wasn't jarred from the story by the time skip, I had a hard time enjoying the story when things kept changing structurally. For example, Margaret suddenly became Margarite, Lucy's last name switched from Delamar to Melamar, and Lucy's flat suddenly moved to a completely different street. Technically, these things aren't part of the story itself, but they did make me as a reader have to regard the story as text on a page instead of a riveting story.
I enjoyed reading the back story in the beginning of the piece. Smith manages to give plenty of information without making the beginning of the story expository. I felt like I was reading the real plot, and when there was a time skip and the real story started, I wasn't offended or jarred out of the story. The transition worked very well. Another aspect of this particular story that I liked was the time period. It's not far enough in the past that the story becomes genre on principle. It's not set during a major historic event; instead, the story is affected by the wars in a way that makes sense. Lucy's questions about Marcus wearing a radio or looking like a German was wonderful, and I thought it was very interesting that Lucy was so afraid of these far fetched things in every day life -- wolves don't need to be exotic to be dangerous.
Unfortunately, where I wasn't jarred from the story by the time skip, I had a hard time enjoying the story when things kept changing structurally. For example, Margaret suddenly became Margarite, Lucy's last name switched from Delamar to Melamar, and Lucy's flat suddenly moved to a completely different street. Technically, these things aren't part of the story itself, but they did make me as a reader have to regard the story as text on a page instead of a riveting story.
16 February 2012
"Deception" by Laurel Kostakis
Laurel Kostakis' piece, "Deception," is about a middle aged woman who finds out in a disturbing way that her husband is cheating and no longer loves her. What she wants is to be loved, needed, and no longer lonely. This is her own internal conflict - her children have grown up, her husband is always working, and the dog she had once loved had died. But the conflict of the story comes when Marcy's husband, Kevin, tries to kill her in order to save his extramarital affair and comes into direct contest with an at-large, armed and dangerous burglar.
As always, Laurel delivers an interesting piece with an interesting point of view. I think the fact that the narration is in third person limited form and follows Marcy through the entire piece, instead of Kevin, who is, apparently, a murderer, or the unnamed burglar, who is very much capable of murder, actually presents an interesting perspective on the entire situation. It would have been easy to follow the other two characters and hold the attention of the reader - in fact, that could almost be expected. But Laurel chose to follow the victim, a difficult thing to do without hinting very heavily to the reader that the narrator is, in fact going to be the victim in an obvious manner.
One thing that could help the piece would be to establish the ages of the characters early on. For some reason, reading the first few pages, I was convinced that Marcy and Kevin were a younger pair. There was no evidence that this was the case, but there was also no evidence to the contrary. Another thing to pay attention to is that, like my story, "Leaving," the end of the conflict is given to the reader very quickly. The end of the story is actually done in a very timely pace, however.
As always, Laurel delivers an interesting piece with an interesting point of view. I think the fact that the narration is in third person limited form and follows Marcy through the entire piece, instead of Kevin, who is, apparently, a murderer, or the unnamed burglar, who is very much capable of murder, actually presents an interesting perspective on the entire situation. It would have been easy to follow the other two characters and hold the attention of the reader - in fact, that could almost be expected. But Laurel chose to follow the victim, a difficult thing to do without hinting very heavily to the reader that the narrator is, in fact going to be the victim in an obvious manner.
One thing that could help the piece would be to establish the ages of the characters early on. For some reason, reading the first few pages, I was convinced that Marcy and Kevin were a younger pair. There was no evidence that this was the case, but there was also no evidence to the contrary. Another thing to pay attention to is that, like my story, "Leaving," the end of the conflict is given to the reader very quickly. The end of the story is actually done in a very timely pace, however.
Response to "The last bit of home-made sugar" by Nate Lundberg
"The last bit of home-made sugar" is about a man who has grown up in a generation that is too uninterested in following the traditions of the previous generation. It bothers him, on some level, but it doesn't actually provide him with a purpose; what the narrator wants, I think, is to find this purpose. Through most of the story, there is no conflict, and the voice of the narrator reflects a kind of nervous waiting. When conflict does come, it's sudden, all encompassing, and takes all of the narrator's attention, but then it's gone again and we're left with the narrator standing alone in the dark, wondering if there isn't more.
An element I found really worked about this piece was the fact that the narrator had no purpose. It's a fine line to walk - one could easily make the entire story purposeless and lose the attention of the reader, but Nate manages to move the story along quite well. I also rather like the title (though it could use some capitalization) and how it fits in with the overall mood of the story. It isn't random; the reader gets to watch as the last of the Stir Off sugar is used and the container thrown away. The attention paid by the narrator to this detail and his mother's face makes the situation monumental enough for a title without being too heavy handed.
I have a bit of issue with the flow of this piece. One way to smooth out the kinks, I think, would be to reduce the amount of dialect used in the dialogue, especially by the grandfather. Following the language of the narration - very precise and without any regional dialect cues - the grandfather's language is a bit jarring. That being said, I think that the first couple of lines of dialect, such as "Hey, buddy, what do ya say?" instead of "How are you?" as an opener, work well to establish the grandfather's tone. Another way to smooth the difference between the narration and the dialogue would be to put more regionalisms within the the entire text.
An element I found really worked about this piece was the fact that the narrator had no purpose. It's a fine line to walk - one could easily make the entire story purposeless and lose the attention of the reader, but Nate manages to move the story along quite well. I also rather like the title (though it could use some capitalization) and how it fits in with the overall mood of the story. It isn't random; the reader gets to watch as the last of the Stir Off sugar is used and the container thrown away. The attention paid by the narrator to this detail and his mother's face makes the situation monumental enough for a title without being too heavy handed.
I have a bit of issue with the flow of this piece. One way to smooth out the kinks, I think, would be to reduce the amount of dialect used in the dialogue, especially by the grandfather. Following the language of the narration - very precise and without any regional dialect cues - the grandfather's language is a bit jarring. That being said, I think that the first couple of lines of dialect, such as "Hey, buddy, what do ya say?" instead of "How are you?" as an opener, work well to establish the grandfather's tone. Another way to smooth the difference between the narration and the dialogue would be to put more regionalisms within the the entire text.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)