Laurel Kostakis' piece, "Deception," is about a middle aged woman who finds out in a disturbing way that her husband is cheating and no longer loves her. What she wants is to be loved, needed, and no longer lonely. This is her own internal conflict - her children have grown up, her husband is always working, and the dog she had once loved had died. But the conflict of the story comes when Marcy's husband, Kevin, tries to kill her in order to save his extramarital affair and comes into direct contest with an at-large, armed and dangerous burglar.
As always, Laurel delivers an interesting piece with an interesting point of view. I think the fact that the narration is in third person limited form and follows Marcy through the entire piece, instead of Kevin, who is, apparently, a murderer, or the unnamed burglar, who is very much capable of murder, actually presents an interesting perspective on the entire situation. It would have been easy to follow the other two characters and hold the attention of the reader - in fact, that could almost be expected. But Laurel chose to follow the victim, a difficult thing to do without hinting very heavily to the reader that the narrator is, in fact going to be the victim in an obvious manner.
One thing that could help the piece would be to establish the ages of the characters early on. For some reason, reading the first few pages, I was convinced that Marcy and Kevin were a younger pair. There was no evidence that this was the case, but there was also no evidence to the contrary. Another thing to pay attention to is that, like my story, "Leaving," the end of the conflict is given to the reader very quickly. The end of the story is actually done in a very timely pace, however.
16 February 2012
Response to "The last bit of home-made sugar" by Nate Lundberg
"The last bit of home-made sugar" is about a man who has grown up in a generation that is too uninterested in following the traditions of the previous generation. It bothers him, on some level, but it doesn't actually provide him with a purpose; what the narrator wants, I think, is to find this purpose. Through most of the story, there is no conflict, and the voice of the narrator reflects a kind of nervous waiting. When conflict does come, it's sudden, all encompassing, and takes all of the narrator's attention, but then it's gone again and we're left with the narrator standing alone in the dark, wondering if there isn't more.
An element I found really worked about this piece was the fact that the narrator had no purpose. It's a fine line to walk - one could easily make the entire story purposeless and lose the attention of the reader, but Nate manages to move the story along quite well. I also rather like the title (though it could use some capitalization) and how it fits in with the overall mood of the story. It isn't random; the reader gets to watch as the last of the Stir Off sugar is used and the container thrown away. The attention paid by the narrator to this detail and his mother's face makes the situation monumental enough for a title without being too heavy handed.
I have a bit of issue with the flow of this piece. One way to smooth out the kinks, I think, would be to reduce the amount of dialect used in the dialogue, especially by the grandfather. Following the language of the narration - very precise and without any regional dialect cues - the grandfather's language is a bit jarring. That being said, I think that the first couple of lines of dialect, such as "Hey, buddy, what do ya say?" instead of "How are you?" as an opener, work well to establish the grandfather's tone. Another way to smooth the difference between the narration and the dialogue would be to put more regionalisms within the the entire text.
An element I found really worked about this piece was the fact that the narrator had no purpose. It's a fine line to walk - one could easily make the entire story purposeless and lose the attention of the reader, but Nate manages to move the story along quite well. I also rather like the title (though it could use some capitalization) and how it fits in with the overall mood of the story. It isn't random; the reader gets to watch as the last of the Stir Off sugar is used and the container thrown away. The attention paid by the narrator to this detail and his mother's face makes the situation monumental enough for a title without being too heavy handed.
I have a bit of issue with the flow of this piece. One way to smooth out the kinks, I think, would be to reduce the amount of dialect used in the dialogue, especially by the grandfather. Following the language of the narration - very precise and without any regional dialect cues - the grandfather's language is a bit jarring. That being said, I think that the first couple of lines of dialect, such as "Hey, buddy, what do ya say?" instead of "How are you?" as an opener, work well to establish the grandfather's tone. Another way to smooth the difference between the narration and the dialogue would be to put more regionalisms within the the entire text.
14 February 2012
"Off" by Aimee Bender
Aimee Bender's "Off" is about a young rich woman with a goal. The goal is simple - kiss a red head, a blond, and a brunet - but the reader never finds out why she had this particular goal. This is actually a big part of the narrator's character; we never find out the why for a lot of things. Why is she rich? Why did she paint morbid images into her art? What does she want from the hostess, from the party, if she feels too good to be there? There are some interesting observations she makes, such as the fact that women will say "oops, sorry" when they've done nothing wrong (due to society, upbringing, meekness?) and that these people who would like to consider themselves sophisticated can't eat their cheese the right way.
As far as form goes, I actually found this piece interesting to read. When I read "Off," I was coming off of a fever. The long, rambling sentences reminded me of my own stream of conscientiousness. The minimalist description of setting was also an interesting touch with the first person point of view - when thinking to myself, as the narrator was, I don't look around and take note of everything. The odd things she does notice, however, she gives a reason for - the brie is eaten the wrong way, the nervous woman says "Oops, sorry" for no reason, Adam is speaking animatedly with a woman to make the narrator jealous. These little details make the story work well, even without a lot of description.
I think I used to write in a style that was similar to this, but I doubt I succeeded. In my own attempts, my minimal description of setting and character was not countered by increased detail elsewhere. Other than this, however, I didn't find much appealing about this writing style. It confused me (again, I was coming off of a very high fever) and was circular. The subject matter was interesting enough, but I've never found long, block text pieces to be interesting, especially with rambling, run on sentences.
As far as form goes, I actually found this piece interesting to read. When I read "Off," I was coming off of a fever. The long, rambling sentences reminded me of my own stream of conscientiousness. The minimalist description of setting was also an interesting touch with the first person point of view - when thinking to myself, as the narrator was, I don't look around and take note of everything. The odd things she does notice, however, she gives a reason for - the brie is eaten the wrong way, the nervous woman says "Oops, sorry" for no reason, Adam is speaking animatedly with a woman to make the narrator jealous. These little details make the story work well, even without a lot of description.
I think I used to write in a style that was similar to this, but I doubt I succeeded. In my own attempts, my minimal description of setting and character was not countered by increased detail elsewhere. Other than this, however, I didn't find much appealing about this writing style. It confused me (again, I was coming off of a very high fever) and was circular. The subject matter was interesting enough, but I've never found long, block text pieces to be interesting, especially with rambling, run on sentences.
09 February 2012
Response to T.C. Boyle - "The Love of My Life"
My first interest in the piece "The Love of My Life" by T.C. Boyle is the syntax he uses. His style of persistent concrete imagery used to describe a scene or situation over a long period of time reminds me of what I try to do with my work. I'll definitely be reading more of Boyle's works to try to decipher exactly what his pattern of writing is.
The description of China and Jeremy in the beginning ("They wore each other like a pair of socks") is very different. It pulls the reader in, because it's not cliche. Again, the concrete imagery -- everyone in his intended audience knows what wearing socks is like -- plays a strong role in setting up the scene and telling us about the characters. The two of them weren't just joined at the hip, they had a "sashay of love" that persisted through everything they did. Boyle's words, his list-style method of showing the reader exactly what he means ("to the mall, to the game, to the movies and shops and the classes...") serve to create a characterization not only for China and Jeremy, but for their relationship as well. But he isn't heavy handed with these descriptions. He only lists enough to convey his meaning, and then he can trust the reader to infer or remember enough to continue the story.
The mood he creates is also noteworthy. He is able to seamlessly move from very much in love to finger numbing fear to helplessness and despair from the beginning of the story to the end. The characters are also believable in this aspect because they don't jump from one of these emotions to the other. The emotions bleed and blend into one another in a way that is very human - in the end, China still loves Jeremy, though she will, supposedly, testify against him to save herself.
There's is no abrupt jolt for the reader until the end, when the story is inexplicably over.
(What is love worth?)
The description of China and Jeremy in the beginning ("They wore each other like a pair of socks") is very different. It pulls the reader in, because it's not cliche. Again, the concrete imagery -- everyone in his intended audience knows what wearing socks is like -- plays a strong role in setting up the scene and telling us about the characters. The two of them weren't just joined at the hip, they had a "sashay of love" that persisted through everything they did. Boyle's words, his list-style method of showing the reader exactly what he means ("to the mall, to the game, to the movies and shops and the classes...") serve to create a characterization not only for China and Jeremy, but for their relationship as well. But he isn't heavy handed with these descriptions. He only lists enough to convey his meaning, and then he can trust the reader to infer or remember enough to continue the story.
The mood he creates is also noteworthy. He is able to seamlessly move from very much in love to finger numbing fear to helplessness and despair from the beginning of the story to the end. The characters are also believable in this aspect because they don't jump from one of these emotions to the other. The emotions bleed and blend into one another in a way that is very human - in the end, China still loves Jeremy, though she will, supposedly, testify against him to save herself.
There's is no abrupt jolt for the reader until the end, when the story is inexplicably over.
(What is love worth?)
07 February 2012
J.J. Nelson's "Lessons"
"Lessons" is the story of a young man's encounter with an older man on a train to Sorreno, Italy. At first, it seems the entire conversation is an old man speaking soothingly and condescendingly to the younger, but it turns out to be an elaborate scheme of pick-pocketing -- age and experience vs. youth and diligence. The words exchanged between the older man and the young, however, as well as the thoughts the reader is able to pick up from the younger man speak to much more than robbing other people blind. The young man's feelings of frustration regarding those who are older looking down on him with contempt is something many young people can relate to, not matter the situation.
The third person, limited point of view works well for the format of this story. An omniscient narrator would have muddied up the story with what the old man was thinking in addition to the young man, but the story isn't about him. The reader doesn't need to know what "lessons" the old man has learned over his many years, because the reader doesn't need to relate to him. Instead, we are able to relate to the young man who speaks of "having his own life under control" and knowing loss.
Something that I think would make the structure of the story better would be to change the gender of the young man. Because there's only two characters, and neither has a name, this change would help to reduce the use of "the young man" and "the old man" as indicators of speakers. Another aspect of the story that it might affect is the condescending tone of the older man. In the opinion of this particular old man, young people are foolish, and I would find it quite believable if he thought of young women being less capable than young men.
The third person, limited point of view works well for the format of this story. An omniscient narrator would have muddied up the story with what the old man was thinking in addition to the young man, but the story isn't about him. The reader doesn't need to know what "lessons" the old man has learned over his many years, because the reader doesn't need to relate to him. Instead, we are able to relate to the young man who speaks of "having his own life under control" and knowing loss.
Something that I think would make the structure of the story better would be to change the gender of the young man. Because there's only two characters, and neither has a name, this change would help to reduce the use of "the young man" and "the old man" as indicators of speakers. Another aspect of the story that it might affect is the condescending tone of the older man. In the opinion of this particular old man, young people are foolish, and I would find it quite believable if he thought of young women being less capable than young men.
02 February 2012
"New Coach" by Lauren Sides
In "New Coach" by Lauren Sides, Kaylee, a competitive cheerleader in high school, tries her hardest to succeed in her sport to attain a scholarship. Unfortunately for her, the new coach's standards are extremely high -- they're just close enough to impossible for her to tear her ACL attempting to please him. This only leads to higher conflict between Kaylee and the coach as she goes through months of physical therapy. Finally, Kaylee lets go of her dream of a cheerleading scholarship in favor of keeping herself safe and healthy.
The beginning of the piece was very strong as an interest grabber. Nothing quite gets the attention of a reader like unexplained pain. The nature of the conflict, especially after learning that Kaylee had not been sold on chearleading as a sport in the beginning is also interesting. The stereotype of vapid cheerleaders doing anything they can to get ahead in a social scene generally overshadows the fact that the sport is a very dangerous one, requiring high levels of strength, coordination, and concentration; when looking at what is needed to succeed, the reader is more likely to believe that Kaylee would get lost in her drive to succeed, at any cost.
I think the story would be stronger, however, if the last scene -- where Kaylee makes the decision to put her health above her dream of a scholarship -- was drawn out a bit more. As it is, the scene is very abrupt, short, and doesn't make much sense. It seems as though Kaylee had no conflict in herself over the decision, but she should have. She invested years, and her ACL, to cheerleading, and she was banking on that to take her all the way to college, so I think a reflection on these things would make the decision seem more real, and more emotional. Another issue I had with this story is the technical language. I'm not familiar with cheerleading or gymnastics, so I don't know what the different types of "tumbling passes" are, let alone what a "full" is supposed to look like. This makes visualizing the situation difficult, creating distance between the story and any reader unfamiliar with the subject matter. Lastly, though the concept of pain draws the reader in in the beginning of the story, it's abstract - is the physical pain shooting, sharp, throbbing? Emotional pain is named, but not really relatable.
The beginning of the piece was very strong as an interest grabber. Nothing quite gets the attention of a reader like unexplained pain. The nature of the conflict, especially after learning that Kaylee had not been sold on chearleading as a sport in the beginning is also interesting. The stereotype of vapid cheerleaders doing anything they can to get ahead in a social scene generally overshadows the fact that the sport is a very dangerous one, requiring high levels of strength, coordination, and concentration; when looking at what is needed to succeed, the reader is more likely to believe that Kaylee would get lost in her drive to succeed, at any cost.
I think the story would be stronger, however, if the last scene -- where Kaylee makes the decision to put her health above her dream of a scholarship -- was drawn out a bit more. As it is, the scene is very abrupt, short, and doesn't make much sense. It seems as though Kaylee had no conflict in herself over the decision, but she should have. She invested years, and her ACL, to cheerleading, and she was banking on that to take her all the way to college, so I think a reflection on these things would make the decision seem more real, and more emotional. Another issue I had with this story is the technical language. I'm not familiar with cheerleading or gymnastics, so I don't know what the different types of "tumbling passes" are, let alone what a "full" is supposed to look like. This makes visualizing the situation difficult, creating distance between the story and any reader unfamiliar with the subject matter. Lastly, though the concept of pain draws the reader in in the beginning of the story, it's abstract - is the physical pain shooting, sharp, throbbing? Emotional pain is named, but not really relatable.
"Mountain Blood" by Cary Bayless
"Mountain Blood" by Cary Bayless is about a man who wants to forget his past, but also wants to have the past back in his hands. Chad Grune is a young man weighed down by the murder of the woman he loved, as well as the guilt of surviving the ordeal when he was supposed to be the next victim. The conflict between the overwhelming feelings of guilt and regret and Grune's desire to not dwell on the past create an inner tension that the reader can feel. Grune is forced to confront his feelings of guilt, however, when he loses the ring he gave Julia before she died. Beau, Grune's room mate tells him that he needs to release his regret and move on with his life, which seems to be the point of Bayless' piece.
The first person point of view works very well for this short story. As I stated, the reader can identify the feelings of regret and guilt that the main character has because we as readers know what he is thinking. This style also works well for the flashbacks because they flow through the story like normal thoughts -- persistent and circular. Another aspect of the story that works well is the mix of dialogue and action between Beau and Chad. Instead of straight dialogue with minimal dialogue cues, the characters did things - drinking, changing clothes - while the spoke, which seemed very natural, especially for the characters, the subject of their dialogue, and the fact that they are drinking.
I think something that could enhance the story would be a bit of back story on Chad and Beau's job, and how Chad came to be there. Was it Chad's idea, or maybe his parents? Is it just a job, or is this an internship, or maybe even a protection or emotional healing program? The setting of the mountain is key to the story due to the lost ring, but is there a reason Grune didn't go to work next to the ocean where the same thing could happen? The reader is made to understand that Grune went to the mountain to escape, but why and how?
The first person point of view works very well for this short story. As I stated, the reader can identify the feelings of regret and guilt that the main character has because we as readers know what he is thinking. This style also works well for the flashbacks because they flow through the story like normal thoughts -- persistent and circular. Another aspect of the story that works well is the mix of dialogue and action between Beau and Chad. Instead of straight dialogue with minimal dialogue cues, the characters did things - drinking, changing clothes - while the spoke, which seemed very natural, especially for the characters, the subject of their dialogue, and the fact that they are drinking.
I think something that could enhance the story would be a bit of back story on Chad and Beau's job, and how Chad came to be there. Was it Chad's idea, or maybe his parents? Is it just a job, or is this an internship, or maybe even a protection or emotional healing program? The setting of the mountain is key to the story due to the lost ring, but is there a reason Grune didn't go to work next to the ocean where the same thing could happen? The reader is made to understand that Grune went to the mountain to escape, but why and how?
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